Just Thoughts

Yesterday--Samantha flew in town for business, but she agreed to go to dinner with Don and me. It was good just to see her and chat with her. I have been so homesick--it seems silly to be so homesick, but I think it did me good just having her here.

Then I talked to my friend Kelly. She got me thinking the last few days about life, and how we live our lives. I know that I should make changes in the way I live my life, but it seems too hard. I'm going to try to change one to two things about myself that I don't like, and see if anyone can tell. (So--I'm not sharing what I think I should change until someone says something or I go long enough with no one saying something.) I'm also going to try to tell people in my life how grateful for the things they do for me or how the effect my life.

Sometimes don't you feel like you are all alone in a large group. Like God-himself-has forgotten about you. Or if you pray that you don't seem to get an answer. Or you had made a mistake and asked forgiveness for and you think you are still being punished for it. I do--I feel like my not being able to have children is a little of all of the above. Sometimes I go to the stores and see mothers who don't seem to "want" their children...or hear stories of a mother who rather have someone else keep her child, but won't give the child up. All I do is pray that some day I will be able to have a child of my own--and when it doesn't happen I feel alone, like God doesn't have time to answer my prayers, or that I must of not been forgiven for something I did. Shopping for gifts at Christmas seems to hurt the worse. How wonderful it would be to be shopping for my child. Planning surprises, and building up Santa for a little one. How I feel I have let down my husband for not being able to give him a child--and not wanting to put myself out there for adoption. (Adoption scares me so much--putting yourself out there for others to judge you. I mean how can you fill out adoption papers not seeming to put you whole life out there to have a birth mom say you aren't good enough. Or have a judge say you are not ready to adopt a baby--when women have babies all the time who really shouldn't have them. How can I really want to do that to myself--to Don.)

I'm very grateful that my friend Kelly has allowed me to be in her daughter's life as much as I have. Maggie is such a great joy to have in our lives. To fill the empty space that I have for a child...and now that we don't live around her--it's hard to express how much we have gained for being around Kelly's family. Kelly has been such a great friend to me--and to Don. It's wonderful to know that you have a true friend in someone that knows all your faults and still is there no matter what. Who listens, talks, and cries with you. Someone that at 3 in the morning if you really needed her she would wake up and just talk. Kelly-I'm grateful for all you do for me--not just in things, but in just the acts of friendship you do daily for me. I am truly blessed! Thank you.

I'm also grateful for a family that is truly supportive in all I do. I wish I could spend the holidays with you all, but I sadden not to be there. Know you all are in my prayers and thoughts daily! Don's sister (Evie) is coming for Christmas--the first without her mother. I'm totally excited that she will be here--for selfish reasons. I at least will have some family around for Christmas--so hopefully it wont' be so hard. I'm going to try to get the Christmas tree up this weekend. Don has the weekend off so we are really going to work on the room of boxes.

Well--That's all for my thoughts for now! I hope you all have a wonderful week!